There's something about me that most members of the forum probably don't know and I myself am only recently coming to terms with. There's no one I know in real life I'm prepared to talk about it just yet. I just want advice, and some insight. Here it goes:
I'm gay. As in, I'm a lesbian, as in I really, really like girls. The thing is, I've mentally hittting myself over the head because of how long I've been conciously in denial of it. It's kind of a long, long story. I'm not sure what prompted me to want to tell someone, but here I am anyway.
Now that I seriously think about, I've had crushes on girls for as long as I can remember. But I never called them crushes because, frankly, up until I learned about homosexuality when I was about eleven or twelve, I assumed that girls just didn't crush on girls. I was under the impression that all girls were supposed to like "hunky guys", but any attempts at romance with males just *never* felt right. Some might remember me refering to a boyfriend last Valentines day. I broke up with him maybe two or three weeks later. There's a whole lot of what was up with that relationship, but the bottom line is, the only reason I got together with him was to try to prove to myself and those I knew that I was straight, whether I was aware of it at the time or not. Obviously, that didn't work.
The big thing is, I'm in love with a female friend of mine. We met each other at school at the beginning of sixth grade, and we're just entering tenth grade. She has no problem with lesbianism; heck, she considers herself bisexual. The problem is that she already has a girlfriend, online. I don't know the other girl, but I confess I feel kind of jealous. I haven't been able to express my deeper feelings for my friend before, but now I feel like it's way too late to be able to do so. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
She definately doesn't know all this, I believe. And yet, I'm afraid our friendship won't be the same now that I'm acknowleding all this. I want to talk to her honestly about what I've been feeling, but I'm scared it will only result in estrangement between us and heartbreak on my part. But I don't want to feel away from her. I don't want to just forget about her, because she inspires something so real and meaningful within my heart.
EDIT: Writing about it on a public forum gave me the courage to chat with my mom about it. Even if it might be hard, I think it's going to be okay.
-- Edited by Anna at 07:21, 2007-06-27
__________________
Never stop questioning everything.
Life is never perfect, but that doesn't mean it's not good.
It's okay if you feel the way that you do now. Most people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and other types that normal people might or might not consider normal feel that way, feel exactly the same way as you.
Some people may not even know they're lesbian, bisexual, gay and other types. I'm wondering whether I am a lesbian cos the last time I tried going out with a guy, I couldn't do it. But I look up to this girl. I don't exactly love her as romance but I find her as a mother figure to me.
Many people like people with the same gender as them or both. You just have to talk to her about how you feel about her and she'll understand. The sooner you talk to her about it, you'll feel a sense of relief.
No offense to anyone here, but the problem of bringing up a subject like this on this sort of forum is that its members are predominantly those without much real life experience. Fortunately, this is where I feel confident with my age difference and ability to relate some insight.
My first bit of advice is this: do NOT generalize your lifestyle based on physical attraction, personal choice, or sex. So many tend to do that. They believe "Well, if A+B=C, then I must be C". It doesn't work that way. The way your lifestyle evolves should come naturally, through feelings of closeness, caring, and selfless behavior. I'm not stating you aren't feeling that way, but it's still general advice.
My second word of advice is this: don't be scared of making mistakes. You can try and rationalize things all you want, but when it comes down to it, human beings live to make mistakes. We grow from them and discover ourselves in this manner. If you turn them into regret, then you go nowhere. Although obviously there are plenty of lines to stop and think long and hard about before ever crossing. It doesn't hurt to apply some common sense and foresight. Besides, it sounds more like your friend is going to inevitably learn a lesson from this online romance situation. If anything, I'd be sure to keep her safe and wary.
When it comes down to it, though, you're not in a position in life where you have to confirm and tell yourself "I am gay". There's really no need. Being close to, caring for, and wanting to make a certain someone happy doesn't need a label applied to it, at least not this early in life. It took me years and many mistakes to realize how much I love and selflessly care for my certain someone, and we're still technically not in a relationship. Despite that, it doesn't mean that all the elements of a real relationship aren't there. It doesn't mean I care about him any less.
I'm a stout believer in the philosophy of "things happen for a reason". So just follow your feelings and instinct for now, see where it leads you, and pick up the pieces afterwards. Years from now, it'll most likely be an experience that will help shape your future self.
__________________
Rev: "If you weren't a coyote -and a guy- I'd kiss you!" Tech: "Lucky for me, I'm both." Rev: "Aw who'm I kiddin'?" *smooch!* Tech: "Gah!"
No offense to anyone here, but the problem of bringing up a subject like this on this sort of forum is that its members are predominantly those without much real life experience. Fortunately, this is where I feel confident with my age difference and ability to relate some insight.
My first bit of advice is this: do NOT generalize your lifestyle based on physical attraction, personal choice, or sex. So many tend to do that. They believe "Well, if A+B=C, then I must be C". It doesn't work that way. The way your lifestyle evolves should come naturally, through feelings of closeness, caring, and selfless behavior. I'm not stating you aren't feeling that way, but it's still general advice.
My second word of advice is this: don't be scared of making mistakes. You can try and rationalize things all you want, but when it comes down to it, human beings live to make mistakes. We grow from them and discover ourselves in this manner. If you turn them into regret, then you go nowhere. Although obviously there are plenty of lines to stop and think long and hard about before ever crossing. It doesn't hurt to apply some common sense and foresight. Besides, it sounds more like your friend is going to inevitably learn a lesson from this online romance situation. If anything, I'd be sure to keep her safe and wary.
When it comes down to it, though, you're not in a position in life where you have to confirm and tell yourself "I am gay". There's really no need. Being close to, caring for, and wanting to make a certain someone happy doesn't need a label applied to it, at least not this early in life. It took me years and many mistakes to realize how much I love and selflessly care for my certain someone, and we're still technically not in a relationship. Despite that, it doesn't mean that all the elements of a real relationship aren't there. It doesn't mean I care about him any less.
I'm a stout believer in the philosophy of "things happen for a reason". So just follow your feelings and instinct for now, see where it leads you, and pick up the pieces afterwards. Years from now, it'll most likely be an experience that will help shape your future self.
Thanks, Shagster. It's like some part of me has been afraid of simply living for years. You're actually very wise, you know that?
__________________
Never stop questioning everything.
Life is never perfect, but that doesn't mean it's not good.
It's okay if you feel the way that you do now. Most people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and other types that normal people might or might not consider normal feel that way, feel exactly the same way as you.
Some people may not even know they're lesbian, bisexual, gay and other types. I'm wondering whether I am a lesbian cos the last time I tried going out with a guy, I couldn't do it. But I look up to this girl. I don't exactly love her as romance but I find her as a mother figure to me.
Many people like people with the same gender as them or both. You just have to talk to her about how you feel about her and she'll understand. The sooner you talk to her about it, you'll feel a sense of relief.
Thanks. I hope there will be good things out there for you as well; no matter how hard life gets, we have to keep trying to find happiness, right?
__________________
Never stop questioning everything.
Life is never perfect, but that doesn't mean it's not good.
