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Post Info TOPIC: A Tale Of Two Brother's!
kari bunny


Out of This World

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A Tale Of Two Brother's!
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Lello and this is my latest fic.A Tale Of Two Brothers,Please Reviwe and
read!

Chapter 1:Born...and Hate!

Leila gave a gasp of pain,it was over her twins were born,leila had black hair
that reached her mid back,and green eyes,she was a fairly kind women.

Hello my little angels she wispered"My little Friz and Dauch",friz had a little
bit of black turf hair,and blue eyes,well dauch had a curl of red on his head
and green eyes.

ahh dear you're alright said Ahadi walking in,he had blue eyes and curly red
hair and was in frelinging red robes.

Who was born first? asked Ahadi

Friz stated leila and ahadi picked up friz in his arms gently,"hey there Friz"
said Ahadi.Friz cooed.

What about Dauch?asked Leila

he is nothing but a weakling said Ahadi and he handed friz back to leila
and walked out.King edward and 3 year old optimatis walked in.

how are you leila?asked King edward

I'm okay answed leila and he smiled at her children.

hello optimatis said leila gently and he smiled

what are there names?asked Optimatis,he had past his ears blong hair with
a purple strip in it,and was in jeans and a black tee shirt.

Friz ,the one with black hair and dauch the one with red hair said leila
and she smiled,so did king edward.

Zadavia was born today she will be a fine quenn and i hope that friz will be
at her side.leila was shocked to hear this.

Friz? said Leila"you mean liked betrothed?"

yes siad King edward happily and he and optimatis walked out.

end of chapter 1biggrin



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Shirako


Anthros

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...No offense, but this "story" is a mess.  First off, it is difficult to read; you need quotation marks when people are speaking.  There are commas where periods are needed.  Also, when someone is being mentioned or talked to, their name needs to be capitalized.  The title is a bit off, too; it should be "A Tale of Two Brothers".  "A Tale of Two Brother's" is incorrect.

Overall, this was painful to read and needs MAJOR editing.  Try writing in Microsoft Word before posting; your spelling and grammar leaves much to be desired.

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"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


Out of This World

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hey leave me alone okay!I dont need critisizing!

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Shirako


Anthros

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Actually, you do.  You need to learn how to write stories so that people can actually READ them.  Do you want to be a good fanfiction writer?  Start learning how to write.  Stories should not be painful to read.  You NEED criticism to become a better writer.

If you still write without improving, then deal with the criticism.  Seriously.  Deal with it.  People here might be friendly and say stuff to butter you up, but face it; in the outside world, you NEED to improve your writing skills.  Or lack thereof.  Whatever.



__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


Out of This World

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ya whatever!

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When Every life meet's another life,
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LoonaticsF


Loonatic

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Shirako wrote:

...No offense, but this "story" is a mess.  First off, it is difficult to read; you need quotation marks when people are speaking.  There are commas where periods are needed.  Also, when someone is being mentioned or talked to, their name needs to be capitalized.  The title is a bit off, too; it should be "A Tale of Two Brothers".  "A Tale of Two Brother's" is incorrect.

Overall, this was painful to read and needs MAJOR editing.  Try writing in Microsoft Word before posting; your spelling and grammar leaves much to be desired.



Well i don't usually do that but, I'M SORRY , BUT IF  YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT!
You have absolutely NO rights to lower people's self esteem, ya hear?
Don't listen to him/her Kari.
It's a great story and you know it smile.gif



-- Edited by LoonaticsF at 12:48, 2008-04-05

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My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


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yep thanks loonaticsF

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Shirako


Anthros

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LoonaticsF wrote:

Shirako wrote:

...No offense, but this "story" is a mess.  First off, it is difficult to read; you need quotation marks when people are speaking.  There are commas where periods are needed.  Also, when someone is being mentioned or talked to, their name needs to be capitalized.  The title is a bit off, too; it should be "A Tale of Two Brothers".  "A Tale of Two Brother's" is incorrect.

Overall, this was painful to read and needs MAJOR editing.  Try writing in Microsoft Word before posting; your spelling and grammar leaves much to be desired.



Well i don't usually do that but, I'M SORRY , BUT IF  YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT!
You have absolutely NO rights to lower people's self esteem, ya hear?
Don't listen to him/her Kari.
It's a great story and you know it smile.gif



-- Edited by LoonaticsF at 12:48, 2008-04-05

Lowering self-esteem?  Look, I was TRYING to give constructive criticism.  It is people like you that take what people say and twist it around to make them look bad.

Also, if you want to read "stories" that need major editing, go ahead.  If you want to butter up someone and praise them for their poor writing skills, go ahead.  But know this; not everyone will be nice to authors who write like this.



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Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


Out of This World

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actually alot of people on here are,cause they dont give a dam

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LoonaticsF


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Well, things you say may hurt people more than you can imagine!
Also people like me? You don't know a THING about me!
All that matters is the content to me. And i'm not praising anyone anyone 'kay!
I just say my opinion.

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My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


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yep

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Shirako


Anthros

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Heh.  You just keep telling yourself that.  The truth is this; they do not want to hurt your feelings.

If you ever choose to post any of your stories on a fanfiction website, the readers will tear you apart with their harsh words.  I am not kidding.  Anyone who types like you is considered unfit for writing on those websites.

I was only trying to give criticism for you to improve upon.  But if you want to ignore me and lack in writing skills, that is your problem.

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Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


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bug off

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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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Shirako


Anthros

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I only stated the truth.  Look, Kari, if you ever want to write a GOOD fanfic, type it up in Microsoft Word first.  You will be impressed by how much it might improve your spelling and grammar.

__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


Out of This World

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leave me alone okay no one gives a dam you jerk

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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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LoonaticsF


Loonatic

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Shirako wrote:

Heh.  You just keep telling yourself that.  The truth is this; they do not want to hurt your feelings.

If you ever choose to post any of your stories on a fanfiction website, the readers will tear you apart with their harsh words.  I am not kidding.  Anyone who types like you is considered unfit for writing on those websites.

I was only trying to give criticism for you to improve upon.  But if you want to ignore me and lack in writing skills, that is your problem.


*slaps forehead* For your information she ISN'T writing in FF! She's writing in LUO
So, i don't know about you, but i'm perfectly ok with her writing as long as the story is nice.



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My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


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thanks loonaticsF

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When Every life meet's another life,
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Shirako


Anthros

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Wow, I was trying to be nice in my last post, but I suppose that you are going to ignore everything I say now, right?  How mature of you.

__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


Out of This World

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no how mature of you if you dont like something dont post okay.

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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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Shirako


Anthros

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Turning my own words against me, eh?  That proves how mature you are.

Anyway, if you improved on your writing skills, I might like your story.

__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


Out of This World

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whatever i dont need someone like YOU reviwing my story so get a life

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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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LoonaticsF


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...
Is it over?

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ChesterBennington.jpg<----- LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

 

My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


Out of This World

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nope hes posting again


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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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Shirako


Anthros

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Heh.  "Get a life", eh?  Nice attempt at an insult.

But, to be honest, you are being quite childish.  All I was trying to do was give constructive criticism, and you ignored it.  What will happen the next time someone tries to give you advice on your story?  Will you ignore their advice, too?  Will you be rude and childish?  Will you tell them to "get a life"?

Face it; not everyone will like the lack of writing skills on your stories.

__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
kari bunny


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hahah i am a kid hahaha


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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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Shirako


Anthros

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You are a kid?  Heh...somehow, I do not believe that.

If you truly are a child, then I still cannot understand your level of writing skills.  I am still young (under 15, over 10) and my writing skills are better than my peers' skills.



__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
LoonaticsF


Loonatic

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...
*apears under a table* is it over now?


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ChesterBennington.jpg<----- LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

 

My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
Shirako


Anthros

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Heh.  It should be over now.

__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
LoonaticsF


Loonatic

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I think we're paying a little more attention than we should...
Everyone is turning out to be missundersood...

__________________

ChesterBennington.jpg<----- LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

 

My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


Out of This World

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stop posting shirako...

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When Every life meet's another life,
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Dragon Wing


Gone

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Shirako, I know you're attempting to be helpful and all, but your tone is quite condescending. Condescending to the extent that your comments sound a lot more like attacks than constructive criticism, in spite of your intentions. Just word things in a kinder manner and people will listen to you and arguments won't start.

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kari bunny


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yep hey dragon wing do you like my story?

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LoonaticsF


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Dragon Wing wrote:

Shirako, I know you're attempting to be helpful and all, but your tone is quite condescending. Condescending to the extent that your comments sound a lot more like attacks than constructive criticism, in spite of your intentions. Just word things in a kinder manner and people will listen to you and arguments won't start.


*nods* 100% agreed with you Dragon Wing



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ChesterBennington.jpg<----- LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

 

My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


Out of This World

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yep...next chapter will be up soon okay!

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Dragon Wing


Gone

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The premise is pretty good. It's always interesting to read about a character's past, or in this case, a whole bunch of characters' pasts. There are plenty of grammatical and spelling issues, yes, but then again this is not an English paper nor a writing contest, so that is not of that much importance. It's good to practice utilizing developed grammar, though, for later usage. But as for the story itself, it's a good start!

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kari bunny


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thanks!

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LoonaticsF


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*whipes sweat out of forehead* Finally over!
Does anyone else feels like returning from war?

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ChesterBennington.jpg<----- LOVE HIM SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

 

My heart beats for LP <3 (and another thousand bands -_-;)

Ehm... I've been thinking and... ehm... Nevermind...
kari bunny


Out of This World

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right here loonaticsF

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Dragon Wing


Gone

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Heh, having been on internet forums for 7 years, I can tell you it can get much, much uglier than what just happened here. Just be glad it didn't, I guess!

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kari bunny


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okay thanks again

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Shirako


Anthros

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Dragon Wing wrote:

Shirako, I know you're attempting to be helpful and all, but your tone is quite condescending. Condescending to the extent that your comments sound a lot more like attacks than constructive criticism, in spite of your intentions. Just word things in a kinder manner and people will listen to you and arguments won't start.



I realized this after the whole argument progressed pretty far.  If I come across as really mean, I do not mean it; it is just that I am constantly surrounded by really, REALLY stupid people in my life.  I guess that my unintentional rudeness comes from having to deal with retards in real life.

Heh.  Kari, if you improve on your writing skills, it would make your fanfic a little more enjoyable for others to read.  I mean, your story has an interesting idea.  Maybe you should get a Beta Reader.



__________________

Favourite Conversation:

"Hey, Mr. Bump.  Thought I'd drop by for a visit."
"Uh, hello, Miss Whoops."
"Sorry to hear about your accident."
"Oh, well.  That'll teach me to wrestle elephants."
"Hey, a remote control!  Ooh, how about we watch some rollerderby?"
"Uh, uh, no, Miss Whoops, that's not for the T.V.!  Ow!  Bed!  Crunching!  Oh!"
"These remotes are so unreliable..."
techfan979


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Listen to shirako Kari, you can only gain from it.

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kari bunny


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grr...im gonna ask you nicly,stop posting skirako,I get it okay!

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When Every life meet's another life,
Something will be born-Qouted by the Shinno Champion Cynthia

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doggirl2772


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Kari, please relax. He has a point about ff.net and other story forums being pretty nasty at times, but it doesn't mean that LUO is one of them. 

Skirako, I know you were trying to help but the words that you said before did sound pretty rude.

Look, the beta reader is a great idea, it gives your stories more correctiveness and proper spelling as well as someone to suggest ideas if you get stuck. You can also make a new friend out of it and the readers can enjoy the flow of the story more easily. Everybody wins! Or if the beta reader doesn't work, you could always use a free spellchecker on google.

As for the idea for this story and the fic itself, it's quite interesting. Not many people think of the villian's past or family and I myself find hearing what people have to say about it and what they think happened is pretty intriguing. I am very interested in what happens next Kari.

BTW, I don't really know what you mean by "betrothed"...

P.S. I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh here, but I really hate to see such fighting on here. We members are supposed to be kind and fair to each other, not bite the other's head off.

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kari bunny


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"betrothed" mean's to be future married...

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zadavias_spirit


Out of This World

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Betrothed means engaged, FYI. And what's a BETA reader?
Sorry.
Anyhoo, it's a bit confusing to read, but it sounds interesting so far.


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kari bunny


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thanks!

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doggirl2772


Out of This World

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Thanx for clearing it up guys!

A beta reader (or betareader, or beta) is a person who reads a work of fiction with a critical eye, with the aim of improving grammar, spelling, characterization, and general style of a story prior to its release to the general public.

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kari bunny


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hey guys i shall have the next chapter up tomorrow.

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doggirl2772 wrote:

Thanx for clearing it up guys!

A beta reader (or betareader, or beta) is a person who reads a work of fiction with a critical eye, with the aim of improving grammar, spelling, characterization, and general style of a story prior to its release to the general public.





Oh gawd,
I thought it was some kind of software *stupid me*

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