A Tale Of Two Brother's! - Loonatics Unleashed Online message boards

kari bunny · Out of This World

RE: A Tale Of Two Brother's!

LoonaticsF · Loonatic

Hmm... Wasn't that a flashback from 'The return of a hero'?
Hmmm...
Goodgoing! Keep it up!

kari bunny · Out of This World

yes it was and thats part of the story line

doggirl2772 · Out of This World

Interesting... lookes like little Friz and Deuce are growing up!!!

Awww... do I smell a couple of love-birds? evileye

Hehehehehe.... cute.

Great chapter Kari! smile

kari bunny · Out of This World

Chapter 3:The Dinner and Attack!

Friz returned home,after the event,and saw his brother dauch on the frount
steps.

"Mom and Dad fighting Again?",asked Friz,and Dauch slowly nodded.

"Hey Guess what?!Were going to the royal family for dinner tommorow
night",said Friz and Dauch looked at him in surprise.

"So Zadavia was,Princess Zadavia?", asked Dauch and Friz nodded,they
heard silence,from inside the house.

"Think it's over?!", asked Friz,and they walked through the front door.
Ahadi looked at them,ad nodded as Leila smiled.

"Oh Mother,Father guess what!Were going to dinner at the royal castle
tommorow", said Dauch and Ahadi began to laugh.

"No It's true father," repiled Friz,"Prince Optimatis invited us"and Ahadi
smiled,as leila looked at him.

The next day!

Ahadi and Leila walked to the castles door's,Ahadi was in his robes and
Leila in a golden dress.Friz and Dauch fallow both in black tuxes,Friz's Jacket was open and he smiled as he looked around.Dauch however looked around
in discomfort.

"Ah so this is Friz", said a Voice,It was King edward"I'm sorry I gave
you a hard time the other day son",and he smiled at friz,he had golden
allmost reaching his sholders golden hair,with a purple strike in in and
green eyes.

"It's okay sir", said Friz,and he saw King edward beckon leila over.Dauch
had run off somewere,and Ahadi went to talk with some other genurals.

"I wonder were Zadavia is?", said Friz to himself and then he spotted her
and Optimatis,talking to two older looking people.Friz walked over to them.

"Hello Princess Zadavia", said Friz smiling and he bowed.Zadavia turned
scarlet.She was in a light blue dress,well Optimatis was in a black tux.

"You must be Friz", said the older women,and Friz nodded,before they
walked away.

"Friz good to see you again", said optimatis holding out his hand,which
Friz took,before letting go.

"Oh Friz,thanks for saving me the other day", said Zadavia grabbing his
his hand and putting it to there side's,Friz turned Pink and smiled.

"Attension everyone,dinner shall start soon", Stated King edward,and
Zadavia pulled Friz to the head table,were he sat between her and
King Edward.Soon dinner started,but was suddenly interupted
by men storming in fireing plasma guns.Friz,Zadavia,and Optimatis
flew under the table,King edward and dauch soon joined them.

"WE WANT ZADAVIA", they shouted.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY", shouted Friz coming from under the table,
gardian strike sword in hand,they took one look at him and fled.Every-
one got up.

"MOM" shouted Dauch running toward her body.Friz,Optimatis,Zadavia,
Ahadi and King Edward fallowed.

"MOM wake up MOM', said Dauch,but she did not move she was dead.

End of this chapter.

doggirl2772 · Out of This World

OMG!!! No way!!! Their mom died?! Oh poor little Friz and Deuce! I shall hug you and make its all better!

-attempts to hug them but they both go running away from me-
me: weirdface

I wasn't going to hurt them... just give em a little hug.
Ace: There is no such thing as 'little' with you...
Me: ACE!!! -glomps & snuggles-
Ace: ...'cept your height.
Me: furious

-bops him on head-
Ace: Ow!
Me: I ain't short! Just... tall impaired! biggrin

Nicew chappie btw! Very interesting! biggrin

-- Edited by doggirl2772 at 23:38, 2008-04-06

kari bunny · Out of This World

thanks

LoonaticsF · Loonatic

Aw, that's touching! I see aromance coming...
It's really nice and you update quick (I haven't update a cartain story for mooooooooore than a month)
Friz and Zadavia sounds good...
Waiting forward to your next chapter!

kari bunny · Out of This World

thanks I'll update la8ter today im in school right now,lol

kari bunny · Out of This World

Chapter 4:Ahadi's Anger,Friz go's to Training!

The Next few day's passed by slowly,ever since there mother's death,Dauch
had become distant and Ahadi took his anger out on him,Friz could not stop
it no matter how hard he tried,even King Edward could not stop it!

In The castle.

"Ah Friz there you are", said King Edward,he was on his thrown,Optimatis
was beside him,and he smiled at Friz.

"Were's Zadavia Sir?", asked Friz looking around as he walked to them.

"Studying,you can see her later" answerd King Edward"Now you're training
must begin soon"and they walked to the training ground's were two boys
the same age as friz were standing.

"Now Friz these are Prince Darien and Prince Johnny", said King Edward,
Prince Darien had blond Hair and brown eye's,and Prince Johnny,had purple
hair and silver eye's.King Edward walked away!

"You're not a prince",spat Darien angerly.Zadavia walked in and looked
at them.

"Hi Friz"said Zadavia smiling at him and taking his hand,Darien growled
and shoved Friz away.

"Stay away from her,she's mine!" growled Darien,and Friz shoved
Darien away and put an arm around Zadavia's sholder's.Zadavia blushed
and put her head on his sholder,looking peacefull.Johnny laughed as
he stormed off.

"Nice job Friz", stated Johnny,before walking away.

"Friz,don't mind him okay", said Zadavia looking at him.Friz nodded and
Zadavia sat on the step's as she watched Friz train with a wooden sword
for a few hour's,before they went back inside.

end o this chapter. weirdface

Dragon Wing · Gone

I sense a conflict stirring between this Darien and Friz. I also find it interesting how King Edward seems to have become more of a father figure to Friz than his own father. The conflicts here are pretty intricate, as is what keeps this story interesting. Keep going!

Earth Master · Loonatic

Dragon Wing wrote:

Shirako, I know you're attempting to be helpful and all, but your tone is quite condescending. Condescending to the extent that your comments sound a lot more like attacks than constructive criticism, in spite of your intentions. Just word things in a kinder manner and people will listen to you and arguments won't start.

I agree with Dragon Wing's opinion in this post (shown above). I also support Shirako's opinion, and also think that Kari must improve her writing shills. Shirako, you should've kept the constructive criticism(sp?) in your first post, but you could have sent that comment across in a much friendlier way as many of us had said before. People flame and criticize on many sites like FanFiction.net and people have to deal with it. Kari, heed Shirako's advice and try getting a bit of grammar help although your story ideas are very creative. That is all.

...by now I should be infamous for showing up late to arguments. ^^'

Earth Master · Loonatic

Good plot so far by the way.

Dragon Wing · Gone

Earth Master wrote:

Dragon Wing wrote:

Shirako, I know you're attempting to be helpful and all, but your tone is quite condescending. Condescending to the extent that your comments sound a lot more like attacks than constructive criticism, in spite of your intentions. Just word things in a kinder manner and people will listen to you and arguments won't start.

I agree with Dragon Wing's opinion in this post (shown above). I also support Shirako's opinion, and also think that Kari must improve her writing shills. Shirako, you should've kept the constructive criticism(sp?) in your first post, but you could have sent that comment across in a much friendlier way as many of us had said before. People flame and criticize on many sites like FanFiction.net and people have to deal with it. Kari, heed Shirako's advice and try getting a bit of grammar help although your story ideas are very creative. That is all.

...by now I should be infamous for showing up late to arguments. ^^'

I agree with this post... that... agrees with my post! \:D/

doggirl2772 · Out of This World

Great story Kari. It just seems to be getting better and better! biggrin

Keep it up!

kari bunny · Out of This World

Dragonwing; My stories are complicated arn't they evileye

Earthmaster: Okay!And thanks biggrin

Doggirl: Thanks alot! biggrin

here's the next chapter!

Chapter 5:To be or Not to be!

Friz sat silently on the swings at a near by park,thinking about his destiny,
he sighed and looked around,a memory still placed in his head after the day
he meat Zadavia.

*Flashback*

Friz was sitting alone in his room doing his homework,when Ahadi walked
in,dauch and Leila were out,Ahadi looked angry.

"What were you doing", growled Ahadi

"N-nothing", said Friz thinking about earlier.

"What have I told you about THEM!", growled Ahadi

"I'm sorry father,it's just she didn't seem so bad,I though we could
be-Friz said but was cut off by Ahadi.

"FRIEND'S,you thought you'd get to the daughter,and the king would
welcome you with open arm's what an Idea said Ahadi but was suddenly
struck by an idea"What an Idea"and a wicked smile placed on hia face.

"You have the same mind as my father once had", said Ahadi walking out.

*End Flashback*

Friz growled,that was not the destiny he intended to fallow,NOT anymore,
he stood up,and walked back to his house,he heard shouts and yelling and
Dauch went flying out the door,cuts and bruises on his face.

"You okay Brother?", asked Friz,and he nodded.King Edward heard
everything and helped Friz take Dauch to the castle,Dauch was being
opperated on now,and Friz was worrying.

"Oh Friz what's wrong" asked Zadavia spotting him,Optimatis fallowing.

'Dauch is in sergery,they say he wont make it", said Friz and he looked
at Zadavia,she and Optimatis sat net to him,Friz felt tears going down
his Face,Zadavia smiled gently and hugged him well Optimatis looked
at them.

"The perfect couple" thought Optimatis,suddenly the door's opened
and a nurse walked out.

"Mr Freleng I have some bad news...." said the nurse.

end of the chapter. evileye

LoonaticsF · Loonatic

kari bunny wrote:

"What were you doing", growled Ahadi

"N-nothing", said Friz thinking about earlier.

"What have I told you about THEM!", growled Ahadi

"I'm sorry father,it's just she didn't seem so bad,I though we could
be-Friz said but was cut off by Ahadi.

"FRIEND'S,you thought you'd get to the daughter,and the king would
welcome you with open arm's what an Idea said Ahadi but was suddenly
struck by an idea"What an Idea"and a wicked smile placed on hia face.

"You have the same mind as my father once had", said Ahadi walking out.

Heh, Lion King 2, Zera talks to Kovu. 100% sure you took it from there...
And bad news? Please not something too bad...
This is getting more and more interesting!
Update soon!

Dragon Wing · Gone

I am intersted in what Ahadi was thinking.

And Deuce getting cancer was... rather unexpected. A bit abrupt as well.

Since you asked in PM, the grammar/spelling issues are still present. I could rewrite it for you later, if you'd like.

kari bunny · Beast

Chapter 9:Taken away and returned.

"He has cancer", said the nurse and she walked away........

"FRIZ were going home", stated Ahadi walking in grabbing him by his arm and dragging
him out.

5 year's Later...

An older looking Friz was in the middle of a hall,people that joined Ahadi were around
him,and he was in black jedi clothes,his hair reached just before his sholder blades.

"WHAT is your destiny?" asked Ahadi

"I will avenge Athari and take his place as king", said Friz.

"Who is the enemy?" asked Ahadi.

"Edward", said Friz cooliy.

"AND WHAT MUST YOU DO", shouted Ahadi

"I must KILL him" growled Friz.There were shouts of happiness as the dawnbreak started
to Show.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princess Zadavia slowly walked to the window looking out,she sighed.....

"Friz were are you?" she muttered to herself.

"Zaddie we have a visitor"spat Prince darien,and Friz walked up behind him.smiling.

"FRIZ", said Zadavia and she hugged him"I've missed you"Friz gave her a swift kiss on
the head,and muttered"I missed you too"...Prince Darien looked furious.

"Stay away from my FUTURE wife", said Darien.The only difference about him was he was in
red robes.

"HEY LEAVE THEM ALONE", stated Optimatis."Friz my you've grown"

end of this chapter

LoonaticsF · Loonatic

Wow!
So, Friz grew up, became a killing machine and goes to kill Zadavia's family! Wow indeed!
You didn't update for a while cry

But i'll survive!
Nice to have you back!

kari bunny · Beast

chapter 10:Changes!

"Yes well", stated Friz smiling.

"Now i'm only here because it's my rightfull way to become king", said Friz,and Darien
looked back and growled.Optimatis arced an eyebrow.

"What do you mean Friz?", asked Zadavia.

"Oh nothing princess", answerd Friz,looking at her smirking.

"Friz you changed ALOT", growled Optimatis.

"More then you know", muttered Friz"Say Zadavia would you like to go on a stroll with me
through the garden's?"

"Sure", said Zadavia and they walked into the courtyard.

"Zaddie your in terrible danger,", said Friz

"What?" asked Zadavia.

"Look Ahadi,my father,is trying to get me to kill your father King Edward,But I
don't want to", said Friz

"Why", growled Zadavia

"It's because I....", said Friz.

"Whats wrong Friz", demanded Zadavia.

"I love you!", said Friz,he then got up and started to walk away.

"You love me?", asked Zadavia.

"Yes", muttered Friz"and now you probably hate me?" said Friz,and Zadavia stood
infrount of him.

"I could never hate you", said Zadavia hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

(behind the bushes)

"I must tell King Eward", growled Darian running off.

end of this chapter.

doggirl2772 · Out of This World

Holy crud! weirdface

I did NOT see this coming.

But yeah, it does seem to me that Ahdai and Friz's scenes came from Lion King 2. Good and all, but I just seemed to notice that.

Other then that, it's a very interesting read. I'm sorry I haven't reviewed in a while, but I have now!

Please keep going! smile

LoonaticsF · Loonatic

HE LOVES HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND HE TOLD HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DOUBLE YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FINALLY! AN UPDATE!
THis is going just fine...
...
...
ok, more than fine ^^
UPDATE SOON!!!!

kari bunny · Beast

Chapter 11:EXILE!

"Sir i swear on my life he's trying to kill you", stated Darian and Dauch smirked.

Zadavia and Friz walked in holding hand's,King Edward growled.

"GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER" he roared.

"What?I Didn't do anything but..."said Friz he looked at Darian.

"WHAT YOU TRY TO KILL ME", roared King Edward.

"NO I would never" said Friz"I LOVE ZADAVIA"

"pff yeah right", said Optimatis.

"Daddy it's true", said Zadavia and King edward held up a hand to silence her!

"Friz i have one word to say to you", said King Edward.

"EXILE"

"WHAT?no,FRIZ", said Zadavia and dark music began to play as Friz ran away.

Later!

"HOW COULD YOU!?" shouted Zadavia to Darian,King Edward was still presant.

"HE was FORCED BY HIS FATHER AHADI YOU JERK", roared Zadavia tears rolling down her face,she ran out the doors.

end of this chapter!

doggirl2772 · Out of This World

*whistles at chapter* Wow, thats... pretty bad. Not the story, just what happened.

Poor Zadavia. All she wanted was a little love. And now he's gone away. I feel bad for her.

Great chappie! smile

kari bunny · Beast

chapter 12:Love will find a way!

How will I start tomorrow without you here?
Brute luck will guide me though the answer's disappeared
Is it too late? Are you too far gone to stay?
Best friends forever, she never had to go away
What will I do? You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through?

Friz is sitting by a tree,think about Zadavia.

"Zadavia i love you" wispered Friz.

(Chorus) If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give if you
Return to me, someday, somehow, some way
If my tears could bring you back to me

Zadavia was calling out Friz's name.Friz hears it and comes running.

I've cried here alone, shall if you sail home again
Just your emotion will carry you, I know they can
Just like we'll guide you and your heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting into the arms of your true love
Look in my eyes, you'll see
A million tears have gone by
And still they're not dry
(Chorus)

"I missed you", said Friz hugging Zadavia

Ooh, I'll hold you close in spite of the world
I only wish for before
For one more chance
For one last ounce
Inside of me that I would not of known
(Chorus)

"I missed you too Friz" said Zadavia

(They kiss on the lips)

"Zadavia I promise you our love WILL find a way", stated Friz,he added in a wisper

"I Hope"

Okay chapter is short but please reviwe

LoonaticsF · Loonatic

*sniffle*
*sob*
*whimper*
*sniffle*
That's touching...
*sniffle*
Great work!!!!!
*waits for the next chapter*

kari bunny · Beast

(Flashback)

Zadavia and Friz are walking with together with Optimatis,to a small watering hole.they are wispering to each other.

Oh look at you, little seeds of romance blossoming. Your parents will be so happy with you being betrothed and all," Optimatis quipped.

"Be-what?" Friz asked.

"Betrothed. Intended. Affianced," he tried to explain. Friz and Zadavia still didn't get it.

"Meaning?" Friz further asked.

"One day, you two are going to be married!" Optimatis happily explained.

"Yuck! I can't marry her, she's my best friend!" Friz exclaimed.

"Yeah, it'd be too weird." Zadavia added.

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but you two lovebirds have no choice! It's a tradition going back generations." Optimatis said.

"Well, when I'm king, that'll be the first to go." Friz proclaimed.

"Not so long as I'm around." Optimatis said.

"Well in that case, you're fired." Friz replied.

"Hmm, nice try, but only the king can do that." Optimatis said.

"Well, Friz's the future king." Zadavia reasoned.

"Yeah, so you have to do what I say!" Friz happily said.

"Not yet! And with an attitude like that, you're shaping up to be a very pathetic king indeed!"

"Yeah,well that's not the way I see it,Optimatis" remarked Friz.Zadavia
laughed.

"FRIZ", boomed a voice(It was King Edward).

"Yes Sir?", asked Friz.

"Do,Try to be nicer to Optimatis,All right?", stated King Edward.

"Yes,of course,Sire", said Friz"And,I shall take Extra Speacial Care of,Zaddie"
Zadavia turned pink.

(End flashback).

Ahadi was pacing,Dauch looked at his Father and smirked.

" My plan worked perfectly", thought Dauch

"And with,Friz out of the way,and Dead,I shall be KING,and make Father
Proud"

"So,Father shall I send,for King Edward?", asked Dauch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"WHY ARE YOU BACK", Roared king Edward to Friz who was holding on to
Zadavia.Darian pointed his sword at Friz knocking him out of the way and
Advancing on Zadavia.

"ZADAVIA NO", shouted Friz,there was a light and all was silent,as Friz and
Darian Fought.

"Any last word's Friz?" asked Darian.King Edward watched In amazment.

"Yes,STAY AWAY FROM-" his word's were cut short however,when Darian
Stabbed him.

"End of this chapter,Reviwe please!

kari bunny · Beast

*Future 2772*

"That children is why you must never turn against each other" said an older looking
Zadavia,and an older looking Friz beside her, An eight year old duck and bunny,ten
year old tasmainin devil,9 year old coyote and 5 year old road-runners watched
in awe.

"Wow auntie Zadavia,That's soo cool" replied a young gray female rabbit with green eye's.
Her name was Sora Alexia Bunny,Daughter of Ace and Lexi.She was in Pink Pajamas.Brown
hair flopped over an eye and down her back a little.

"Yeah,uncle Friz, your awsome" said a black duck called Jamie Ace Duck,his blue eyes showed awe,he had messy red hair on his head.His Father was Danger Duck.He was in blue pajama's.

"It was very, logical" replied a female coyote,she had thick glasses.blond hair,gray eyes,
and brown fur,she was in green pajamas,her name was Maria Elena Coyote.

The other's had fallen asleep.

"May we hear it again?"asked Sora.Jamie nodded eagerly.

"Now,Now." said Ace sternly"Time for bed"

"Ace,they love that story" said Danger.

"Well,one more time them" said Friz.

"Long ago,on the planet of freileng......."